Episode 37: C-PTSD and Brain Fog - I Can See Clearly Now

Episode 37

C-PTSD and Brain Fog

I Can See Clearly Now

April 27, 2022

Hello and welcome to Out of My Mind in Costa Rica – Living with Post-Traumatic Stress. I’m your host, Ray Erickson. Today I want to talk about Brain Fog which Merriam-Webster defines as: "A usually temporary state of diminished mental capacity marked by an inability to concentrate or to think or reason clearly."This condition is characterized by excessive cognitive fatigue.” Well, that about sums it up for me. The past several months I have been really out of it and Brain Fog is the only explanation I have found that makes sense. I’ve been dazed and confused for so long it is beginning to be my normal state of mind. Then what?

Here’s a good example of Brain Fog. When I was preparing this episode, I completely lost track of what day it was and this morning about 9am, I realized I had an eye exam at the main hospital in San Jose at 9am, a 2-hour drive. The appointment was scheduled for 9am, so I missed it. For weeks, I’ve been anxious and fretting about driving into the city to get my eyes examined. The good news is I don’t have to drive to San José, but the bad news is I still need to get my eyes examined. There is definitely something going on with my left eye and who knows when I can get another appointment. The Brain Fog once again was successful in sabotaging me. Brain Fog does this frequently. It is becoming harder and harder to take care of what needs to be taken care of. This is the main reason why I am focusing on Brain Fog today. 

Before I begin, I want to thank my sponsor, Out of My Mind Art at www.outofmymindart.com. The Etsy shop that is as charming as the artist himself. Jajaja. No, seriously, go check it out. You will love it and there are many magical things to choose from It will be appreciated by everyone here. Once again, that’s www.outofmymindart.com. 

Hopefully, I am coming out of the fog and into the light where I can see more clearly, and I can deal with life as life presents itself. The fact that I am producing this episode is a sign that I am on the right track. Writing has always been one of my favorite activities ever since I was in junior high school. As a preteen I was interested in horror films, like “Frankenstein”, “Godzilla”, “The Mummy” along with a myriad of other B movies of that genre. Yes, they were terrible movies with terrible scripts, terrible acting and terrible special effects, but that didn’t matter to this young writer. I spent many hours of my young life crafting stories of terror and mayhem, none of which survived my shift into adolescence.

However, my interest in writing continued. Unfortunately, I shamed myself into believing that I was wasting my time with these stories. So I always found something to do that was “more productive” than writing a silly story. When I was 12, I could not be a writer. I had to be an athlete and the two shall never cross paths. It would be several decades before I would sit down and actually write. You know, really write. This time my focus was on nonfiction and many years after its genesis, my one and only masterpiece was eventually completed. “Ten Tips to Tame Your Teen”. It never made the NY Times bestselling list, even though in my opinion, it was a very good book. I just didn’t know what to do once the book was written, so it never sold very many copies. In fact, it is still languishing on Amazon to this day. You can check it out here.

Writing is never easy. Ask any writer and they will tell you this. There are times when the words simply pour out, like a rushing river in the spring. At other times the words are doggedly stubborn, refusing to emerge until the conditions are just right. As a writer, I know that I can’t wait for the right conditions before I put pen to paper. Sometimes a writer has to reach in there and drag the words out as they kick and scream, determined to remain in the darkness. Today is one of those days. The alternative is to suffer another day in the grip of self-doubt and shame. Each day put it off is another day of bone-crushing guilt.

But this is not the topic for today. Today I am attempting to break the cycle of silence. Turn the ship around and get back on course with a life that is my responsibility and my responsibility alone. So, let’s get this show off the shelf and on the road. 

This is not the first time I have experienced Brain Fog, but it is probably the most significant time in my life to be fighting its entropy. In the past I knew it would pass and just as I predicted, the Brain Fog passed. But now that I am approaching my 71st birthday I am finding it more and more difficult to clear my mind. Yes, I practice meditation and in general I have a positive outlook on life, but the problem has included profound fatigue and listlessness, which has been plaguing my days for longer than I care to think. It’s been a real bitch.

Along with the fatigue, I’ve experienced high levels of depression, anxiety, anhedonia, and social isolation. This has been a heavy load to carry, but I have decided to address these obstacles head on. I either do that or I wither on the vine, slowly being drained of my life forces until I die. What can a guy do under these conditions? One step forward is all I need today and today, that step is to produce one episode of Out of My Mind in Costa Rica – Living with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress. Hopefully, it will jump start me and at the same time maybe help you recognize your own self-imposed purgatory, while motivating you to do the something, in your own way and at your own pace to turn your ship around.

It's a beautiful morning here in Costa Rica. The skies are dotted with clouds and if you look towards the west, you can see the beginning of this afternoon’s thunder storm. Mornings are wonderful during the rainy season. One might even say the weather is perfect, at least until the afternoon storms move in. Yesterday it rained cats and dogs in the late afternoon, dumping what must have been at least 5-6 inches of rain by the time it settled down. Who knows, maybe more. If I am interested enough, I can contact a friend and find out how much rain fell at their house. That may still not be very accurate because here in Central America, it could be raining buckets and 5 kilometers away, the sun could be shining.

OK, getting back to Brain Fog. Keeping my focus is a real challenge as well and believe you me, focus is enough of a challenge without Brain Fog, so today, I am writing my way out of it. If this episode sounds like it’s a bit of a mess, it is because I’ve been a bit of a mess and I am tired of being sick and tired. I know you have been here. I’m feeling energized by this effort, but I am also angry with myself for the procrastination. The challenge today is to keep my energy high by gently forgiving myself for my past neglects without regret.

Each of us do what we can, when we can and if you asked me about laziness, I would tell you, there is no such thing. Tiredness is frequently seen as laziness, mostly by those who have difficulty giving themselves a break. You know workaholics, driven to constant activity by the anxiety they refuse to acknowledge. They call it “productivity” and “efficiency” which may very well be true for them. I was never an efficient producer of anything. Everything I have accomplished or produced has been a labor, and I mean a real labor, of love. 

Another way Brain Fog has clouded my vision is by creating confusion in my mind. Who am I, really? What purpose do I serve? What do I do next? Who can I reach out to for support? These, along with a thousand other self-doubting questions overwhelm my mind and the result is…well, there is no result, because I become bogged down in the muck and mire of these personal dilemmas. There I go again, around and around and around that merry-go-round of confusion, self-doubt and pity.

Pity, that’s right, I’ve been having a real pitiful time wallowing in my pity pool at my pity party. Ouch, that sounds really harsh, but is it harsh? No, it’s a wake up call for me. Languishing in the pity along with its buffet of self-defeating attitudes and emotions has done nothing except inhibit my growth and styme my movement. If you are stuck in your own pity party too long, like me, you may begin to grow roots of pity that keep you anchored in this pitiful state. This is where I am at right now. I am forcefully, uprooting myself, one tiny toe at a time so I can be free from the yoke of self-hatred, which is where self-pity comes from. Self-doubt and self-sabotage also emerge from self-hatred and self-hatred has, at least in my case, been the single most powerful feature of my self-image. I have carried this image around with me all of my life. Why so much hatred? Why would I direct it inwardly when, as a clinician, I know perfectly well how damaging it is to do that? The short answer is, “I’m Human.” I don’t have a long answer to that question, I only have a vague idea of how the self-hatred came into being.

Now I know I’ve been punishing myself for failing to meet the expectation of myself and of those around me. Remember, I grew up in an incest family where what appeared to be happening was not what was happening. The true story of my family was hidden from me for decades. Talk about being good at keeping secrets. You can trust me because I have the ability to even keep the secret from me, which worked out well for my family until the day I remembered. Then all hell broke loose, and I was not so gently expelled from the family. That was it, there was no more to it and to this day, nearly 33 years later, I have had no contact with this group of people. My younger brother and I are the lone survivors and who knows, he might also be dead. My last contact with him also was 33 years ago. 

I’ve moved on, but that doesn't mean I don´t look at the impact my experiences, real and not so real have had on me, my development, my growth, and my life. These moments helped to shape the person I am now claiming to be. Moving on, is just another way of, learning what you can and letting go of the rest. This is much more difficult that what it may appear. Many people say, “Forget it.” But how can you forget experiences that pushed you to the edge of reality and held you there for decades. One doesn’t just forget these things. Life is not like that.

Too many times I have been overwhelmed to the degree that I needed to dissociate in order to survive the event psychologically and psychologically. This worked like a charm, but my lack of memory did not serve me well in the long run. As a result of needing to dissociate to survive, my life is broken up into experiences my true-self had and experiences of my dissociated-self. These experiences may overlap to some degree, but mostly, they are completely unique experiences from the perspective of two entities, my true-self, and my dissociated-self.

I don’t think I want to go there today, but I think this will make a fantastic podcast down the road. I’ll put it on the “possibilities” list. Today is about Brain Fog. Let me say this, Brain Fog is NOT dissociation. Like in the definition above, Brain Fog is; "A usually temporary state of diminished mental capacity marked by an inability to concentrate or to think or reason clearly." Dissociation is an alternative state of being as opposed to a diminished mental state.

Included in Brain Fog is a physically debilitating fatigue and anhedonia, a profound lack of interest in life. I lack the energy and interest in changing the situation. It is much easier to sit and stew in this smelly, nasty soup of malaise. It’s like I am flailing around in a rushing river desperately seeking a stronghold to secure a safe haven before I go crashing into the rapids. It is really scary and tends to immobilize me, which you and I both know does not work. The key is to let go of the underlying fear which is fueling the Brain Fog. Most people are familiar with driving in a thick fog. It’s terrifying and you proceed with grave caution. Living with Brain Fog is the same thing. Nothing is clear and you can’t see very far. Your vision is limited which may cause you to isolate and avoid interacting with others. At least this is how Brain Fog has impacted me. It’s like I am constantly scanning the environment for signs of danger. Seeking out landmines that have been nefariously planted in my field of dreams.

Granted if your day is filled with commitments like work and family, there is going to be few opportunities for Brain Fog to sneak in but sneak in it will. Brain Fog is opportunistic, and it has its eye set on those moments when you are at your lowest point. When you tired or hungry or confused. Brain Fog leaps in and takes control of your thoughts. It then digs itself in, like a WWII bunker, impervious to the bombs falling around it. This is what Brain Fog does. It hunkers down and digs in deep.

This is where most people surrender to Brain Fog and release all resistance to entropy. People, myself included, may embrace the apathy with both arms, holding on because it is the only peaceful place they have, so they embrace the numbness that Brain Fog embodies us with. We relax and settle into its opiate trance and let the Brain Fog permeate our entire existence. “Ray!” You may say. “Aren’t you being a bit dramatic here?” I say, “No! I’m not being dramatic at all. I’m being realistic. Brain Fog is real, and it has mental, emotional, intellectual, and physical consequences.

Our mental health is threatened by Brain Fog because of the power it has over our moods. Anxiety and depression increase exponentially when Brain Fog decreases the levels of serotonin in our brains. Brain Fog threatens our emotional health by blocking access to feelings of well-being. It feeds and fuels anxiety and depression to the point where there is no room for joy or happiness or peace of mind. Brain Fog attacks our intellectual health by creating mountains of self-doubt and uncertainty. It steals our confidence and strangles our desire to grow and pursue interests. Brain Fog undermines our physical health by compromising our appetite and reducing our diet down to whatever you can eat with little to no effort. For me it’s cold cereal and peanut butter and jam on toast. This diet combined with overwhelming feelings of emptiness and loneliness create a state of entropy where there is no energy available to activate the body.

As you can see, there’s a lot to deal with when it comes to Brain Fog. It may take you a long time to work yourself out of it. In my case, I’ve been experiencing this syndrome for at least a year. It’s amazing I’m still alive and hopefully I’ll remain that way for a long, long time. This podcast is the bedrock from which I will make my stand. Out of My Mind in Costa Rica will reflect my journey in the hopes that it may make your journey a little less painful, a little more hopeful. I will do my best to keep it coming and be more consistent so you can count on me being there for you.

My entire life has been based on being there for others. As a child, I had to be there for my parents. As a teen, I had to be there for my teachers and coaches. In college, the system was disrupted, but I never let go of the crippling co-dependency that I had inherited from my family.  I became reliant on these codependent skills for survival. For many years I mascaraed as a normal, healthy person because I believed the lies I told myself about my family and my childhood. These lies I maintained throughout my life, and it was only within the past few years that I realized just how codependent I was. This amazing insight came out of the ashes of my last relationship. Like a phoenix.

The concrete manifestation of Brain Fog includes dissociation, difficulty with focusing (unless I was interested) and a cornucopia of maladaptive survival strategies. The more I tried to mold the world into my perception of it, the more it resisted me. But, like a good human, I knew instinctively, that if I kept doing the same thing, then eventually something different would happen. Sadly, nothing changed. Well, that’s not true. Those indestructible constructs I had for life only fortified themselves, making it even more difficult to overcome the obstacles they presented. I had to let all of it go and this is a challenge to this day. It’s amazing how survival strategies can lodge themselves deep into the crevasses of your brain. I am still impacted by patterns and habits that were formed when I was a child still deeply hidden in the recesses of my mind.

The battle with Brain Fog is a daily occurrence. I wake up in the fog and I go to bed in the fog. For a long time, I believed it was depression, but I’ve come to realize that I am not depressed. I’m dismayed. I’m dissatisfied. I’m disengaged but I am not depressed. Depression, for me, comes from the inside. This Brain Fog, for all practical purposes feels like it is coming from the outside. That’s about all I can say about it, but it is clearly not depression. 

I haven’t always been aware of Brain Fog, and it has only been a few years since I realized a great deal of my life has not been as I had thought. Maybe breaking the dissociative state, in which I lived for decades and as it crumbled around me, my senses became attuned to more subtle ways to dissociate, for instance, Brain Fog. Maybe Brain Fog is the space I need to traverse between the rigid and inflexible fantasy world where I had once lived and the stable and tangible, albeit unknown, territory I am about to embark upon. Who knows, but I do know Brain Fog is temporary and it provides lots of time for reflection, introspection, Astro-projection, and imagination to run amok. Then it goes away until the next time. For me it is a very comfortable place to be. All of my mental and emotional needs being met by my imagination. Plus, a little peanut butter and jam on toast.

I think I’m good for today. Thank you for choosing Out of My Mind in Costa Rica – Living with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress.

There, you’ve done it again. You have wasted another 20 minutes of your time listening to Out of My Mind in Costa Rica – Living with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress. Thank you for tuning in and listening to today’s Episode, entitled C-PTSD and Brain Fog. Before I go, I want to thank my sponsor, Out of My Mind Art, the Etsy shop where you can get Magic for every occasion. Check it out at outofmymindart.com

I hope everything is going well and that each and every one of you have a blessed day. If you are listening to Out of My Mind in Costa Rica on a platform that allows you to rate, comment or review, then let your voices be heard. If you would like to email me at ray@rayerickson.com that would be great. I will get back to you as soon as I can. If you know anyone who might benefit from listening to the stories of my fucked-up life, then please share this podcast. Sharing is caring. 

So, until the next time, Be Courageous. Be Strong and Be Kind. I’ll catch you later. Bye.