Parents: Stop Teaching Kids Your Bad Habits

Posted on March 5, 2012 by Ray

You may not know this, but you have taught your teenaged kids every bad habit you have ever had. That’s right. Every single one of them.  But that’s OK because this happens everyday in every family, everywhere. Your kids live with you and they get to see you as you really are. They see the good, the bad and the down right ugly too! Do you think President Obama doesn’t have his moments? Of course he does. Do you think he wants his children to smoke cigarettes like he does? Of course not, but he’s teaching them anyway.  It may be the White House, but it’s where he lets his hair down, just like you.

Living with children is like living with the CIA. Have you ever found yourself looking around the corner to see if the coast is clear so you could speak candidly with your partner? Or eat that special cookie? Smoke that smoke? or Drink that drink? Well join the club. This is what people do in families. Do you think your kids don’t know what you are doing? Do you think they don’t see? Well, maybe they don’t know, specifically, but they know something is up and they will bust you, eventually. You may even notice one or two of those nasty little habits rearing their heads in your previously perfect boy or girl. After all, they’ve been watching you for years.  They know everything about you and they still love you. Isn’t that remarkable? Life is so forgiving.

I’m not going on like this to guilt trip you or tell you what to do or not to do, but I thought it would be a good idea to remind you that little pitchers have big ears and there really are no family secrets. So if you are losing sleep or you are anxious about your little secrets then either give up the secret or give up the habit. You cannot teach your kids to be authentic human beings if you are not an authentic human being yourself.

What does this mean for parents of teenagers? It means that by the time your kid is 12 years old, they know more about you than you may know about yourself. Here is the good news. You don’t have to restrain yourself anymore. You can be yourself, so please, be yourself. You don’t need to hide the fact that you are hiding something. They already know and they probably don’t care because they are busy living their life. They will, however, appreciate your openness and your honesty.  In fact when you have adolescents, the more you are yourself the more effective parent you will be and the more connected you will be with your teen.

Besides being yourself here are a few other tips that might be helpful if you have teenagers in your home.

  • Practice radical honesty beginning with yourself
  • Be the person you want your teen to be
  • Pay attention the the good habits your kids are developing
  • Be clear on what your expectations are for you teen and make sure you are meeting those expectations yourself.
  • Talk with your teen about healthy life choices, even if you don’t always make them.

You know what they say, “the nut does not fall too far from the tree.” It’s inevitable that you will provide your kids with a buffet of equally bad habits and a basketful of human error. Nevertheless, somehow they manage to make it in spite of your bungling, self-sabotoaging and selfish little secrets. Be grateful that they are becoming who they are and not who you are.

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15 Skills That Teens Need to Have Before They Leave Home

Posted on February 19, 2012 by Ray

I know as parents of teenagers, you want to do the right thing for them. So, I’ve put together a list of the 15 skills your teen needs to have before they leave home. There is no particular order of importance, but some of these life skills will carry more weight than others. It is up to you and your teen to decide which ones they need to work on now. Don’t hesitate to begin teaching your teen these lessons and remember this; practice makes perfect and your teen needs all the practice they can get.

1.    Pick up after themselves

This is a no brainer. The sooner kids learn to keep a tight ship the smoother their life will be. Go ahead and look at your kid’s room. Is it a mess? You tell me. Now look at their life. Is that a mess? Teaching kids about the impact of clutter on one’s life is a great way to give them a step ahead. If they don’t have to think about the mess at the house, then they will be free to focus on creating their life outside of home. It’s a real time saver.

2.    Do their own laundry (at a coin laundry too)

This is another no brainer. Your teen will need clean clothes eventually and when that moment comes you want them to feel confident that they will be able to do their laundry. Most kids cannot go to the mall and buy themselves a new outfit whenever they run out of clean clothes AND you are not going to be there for the rest of their lives. This is actually a good compliment to #1. After they pick their clothes up off the floor they can cart them to the laundry room and put them in the washer. Two tasks complete with very little extra effort.

3.    Cook at least 10 different types of meals

Most young people cannot afford to eat out at restaurants each night and besides the giant portions and high fat content of most restaurant food would soon add up and begin to show up on their body. Teaching your kid how to cook and holding them accountable for cooking meals at least once a week for the family accomplishes several things that are good for them.

a.    They learn how to cook! Yeah, they can feed themselves!

b.    They learn how to cook for others which is a wonderful gift. Everyone loves to be cooked for.

c.    They engage in a creative activity which is good for their expanding brain capacity.

4.    Clean a bathroom well

You may have been there and it scares the daylights out of you. You know, the apartment of your sister’s boy. He lives with 2 other guys and goes to school at the local university. He’s a wonderful young man, but holy cow!!! Their bathroom is beyond compare. How do they stand it? What is ironic is this; you can see where they made an effort to clean it up a little bit before you arrived. And it is not much better for your niece who is on her own and lives in an apartment. Don’t do this to yourself. Make sure to secure some peace of mind in the future by giving your teen an appreciation for a clean toilet.

5.    Keep a daily/weekly calendar

We all need to keep track of or day-to-day activities and I don’t know about you, but my head is not a very good place to keep that information and even then. Your teen needs to develop an effective and easy to use means of tracking their schedule. My Outlook is indispensable (I love and hate the reminders) and with today’s smart phones your kids have a tremendous advantage in this area. There should be no reason for turning that science project in late, right?

6.    Get themselves to school and/or work

This is a must do. Your teen MUST be able to get themselves up and ready for school, no matter what time they went to bed. DO NOT wake them up. This is their job and it is never too early to get them started on it. Let them wrestle with sleeping in, being late for school or work and then deal with the fallout. The natural consequences will remind them to set the alarm before they go to sleep. This skill is the foundation to maintaining any schedule that they create. If your teen is having a lot of trouble in this area, then there may be an underlying cause or agenda that is interfering.

7.    Be part of a team

When teens are part of a team (yes that rock band in the garage is a team) they learn how to work and play well with others. Being a “teammate” means that they are working for a greater good and their efforts don’t just benefit them, but they benefit others at the same time. Being a member of a team requires your teen to accept feedback that can be flattering one day and other days down right insulting. But with each experience they learn a little more about themselves and about how to get along with others. As a teammate your teen can experience the ecstasy of victory and the agony of defeat. It is all good.

8.    Manage their money and be able to budget

Everyone loves money. What’s not to love about it? And your teen is no exception. Whether or not they love money or they think it is the root of all evil, everyone is required to work with it. You may not know this, but everyone has a relationship with money and the better that relationship is, the greater the likelihood you will have plenty of it.  A relationship with money is no different than any other relationship. You need to treat money with respect and be attentive to it. With a good relationship with money your teen will manage their money in a way that permits them to get the most from it. Having a good relationship with money also means that you trust it will never abandon you and you will have all the money you need when you need it. Show gratitude for the money you have now. Be thankful that money buys you the privilege of having, oh…say….electricity for instance. I think you get the idea.

9.    Drive a car

This is a no brainer also, especially where I live, in California, home of the cruise. This particular skill will jump start your teens success and increase your their productivity around the house. Teenagers love to drive and this love of driving can be parlayed into extra help, errands being run and siblings being dropped off at piano practice. For the majority of teenagers, the skill of driving is a Holy Grail of adolescence. Do your part and make sure your teen takes on the responsibility of driving and then drives responsibly.

10.    Learn how to work: Get a job or volunteer

Just like learning to drive can get your teen to and from a job or a volunteer position, there is a wealth of education and growth inherent in the job itself. To go to work is to put meaning into your life. The measure of a man’s success is determined by the nature of his work habits. This is not to say that working hard guarantees success as we can plainly see,  it doesn’t, but learning how to work and learning how to work for someone else has invaluable lessons that cannot be taught at home or at school. Do your part by creating the expectation that your son or daughter perform service for others as an individual or with an organization. In this way you assure they will be able to feed themselves.

11.    Actively pursue their interests

With the hustle and bustle of day-to-day living who has time for pursuing interests. This is not an option if you want to develop to your full potential and feel good about your life. Celebrate your teen’s interests, no matter what they are. Some of their interests are there to help them connect with friends and fit in with others, but eventually you will see your child’s true interests emerge as he begins to distinguish himself from his peers. It is important to not rush blindly into unfettered support. Let your teen take the lead in deciding what he or she needs in order to pursue their interests. Follow their lead and do nothing for them that they can and need to do for themselves. Let them explore their interests on their own terms.

12.    Ask for Help

This one may be more for the guys than for the girls. For whatever reason men seem to have a harder time asking for help, so we need to be extra attentive to teaching girls and boys that it is OK to ask for help. By doing so, they cut down on the time it takes to finish that project, find that location, prepare that dinner, clean that house, wash that car, etc. We all need to ask for help and when you ask for help you are taking part in an act of kindness. That’s right, you are giving another person the opportunity to help someone and the more we help each other, the more we contribute to the overall kindness in the world. So do your part and ask for help today, before you get all frustrated.

13.    Set limits with themselves and others

Speaking of frustration, have you ever turned off your phone so you would not be bothered by others? It doesn’t matter what your reason, but turning your phone off represents an act of kindness towards yourself. When you set limits for yourself and with others, you are paving your road to success and you will have fewer bumps and obstacles in your road. “Just Say No” is not just a catchphrase, it is a call to action and it maintains a manageable flow of life for you. Saying no to something that needs a no is gives yourself permission to be who you are at that very moment. It is also an invitation for anyone to whom you say no, to be more resourceful and self-reliant. It’s a win-win for everyone.

14.    Negotiate in good faith

That argumentativeness which now seems to come with everything you ask of your teen is actually an opportunity to practice the negotiating skills they will need to bargain their way through life. They will need to be able to negotiate many things in their lives; the price of a car, the starting salary of that dream job, the purchase of a home or even what side of the bed to sleep on. The list is endless which means learning how to negotiate in good faith is going to save your teen a ton of money throughout their life, not to mention it’s benefits in relationships. Teaching your teen to negotiate may end up costing you more money, depending upon their negotiating skills, but this is all worth it because the better they get at negotiating, the more success they will encounter.

15.    Learn to trust their intuition

Learning to trust your judgments is a key to living a life filled with abundance and joy. It is the key to success, to communications, to money management, to love. It is critical that teenagers be taught how to listen to their intuition by quieting their minds. This is no easy task. It is noisy in a teenager’s head.  Learning how to meditate and use relaxation breathing are only two ways your teen can master the skill of trusting their intuition. Once they have this skill they will always have it at their fingertips. Their “gut feeling” the very connection that will help them make the next tough decision.

Now, don’t give up before the miracle. You know your teen is already capable and competent. Use your imagination to visualize how powerful they will be equipped with these 15 life skills. They will feel confident about themselves and won’t be lying around on your couch playing video games or watching TV. They will be out there dong wonderful things in the world.  Thank you for all of the good work you are doing.

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Parent of a Teenagers? Pay Attention to Shiny Objects.

Posted on November 21, 2011 by Ray

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All parents have bad days, even the editor of National Geographic.

Posted on October 26, 2011 by Ray

In the last blog I wrote about the National Geographic article on Teenage Brains and at the risk of over embellishing the work of National Geographic I learned something else the other day. Their Editor in Chief is just like any  other parent of an adolescent. Here’s the story.

I was planning to go back and read the rest of the articles and now seemed to be as good a time as any. I sat down on the sofa and opened the magazine and flipped through the first few pages until I stumbled upon Chris Johns’ Editor’s Note entitled, Chilling With Teens (Not!). As I read his heartfelt piece describing a phenomena I call in my book, “when worlds collide,” my own heart felt his anguish, pain and frustration as his 14 year-old son behaved oh so like a 14 year-old boy.

This poor man was beside himself and unlike most men poured his heart out to a national audience. An audience whom, no doubt will relate to his ordeal. In his editorial, he rails, “I’m raising my voice. No, let’s be honest, I’m yelling. I hate yelling. We are late. I hate being late.” This was an ordinary event experienced in an extraordinary way. Chris Johns description of his behavior was refreshingly honest, unlike many of the men in my therapy office who minimized their role and frequently blamed the adolescent for making them do what they did. Not Mr. Johns. He tore his shirt off an exposed his vulnerable underbelly to the world. Bravo!

I admire him for this and I hope that his solo act of courage leads to other men (parents in general) to admit to being wrong once in a while and reach out for help. His plea is a most common event in any household that contain teenagers and he speaks for millions of fathers everywhere who’s world suddenly collides with his Teen World. His interest in Teenage Brains was more than smart journalism, it was personal. How could it not be. The October, 2011′s cover story was more than just a story for Chris Johns, it was the answer to his prayers. Hurray! He and is son are normal!

Thank you Mr. Johns.

Go to http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/10/editors-note to read his editorial.

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Teenage Brains-New Research

Posted on October 13, 2011 by Ray

I was at the grocery store a couple of week ago and out of the corner of my eye I noticed the cover of the National Geographic. The words, Teenage Brain jumped out at me and without hesitation I paid the $5.99 cover price and couldn’t wait until I got home and read the article.

This piece was as gala and beautifully illustrated as you would expect for National Geographic; the writing was well crafted and made perfect sense out of a lot of numbers. Plus, as usual, the research was impeccable. Three reasons why the $6 cover price was worth every penny.

What is this New Science of the Teenage Brain about anyway? Here’s the good news. Your teen’s brain is still growing and maturing. This  means they will not always be the way they are now. According to the author, David Dobbs, “in scientific terms, teenagers can be a pain in the ass, BUT they are quite probably the most fully, crucially adaptive human beings around.” Imagine that!

Teenagers are drawn towards 3 things and they may not come as a surprise to you. Like bees to a flower, like a moth to a flame, teenagers are drawn to and seek out Excitement, Novelty and Risk, not necessarily in that order.  To make matters worse, the people they want to do this with are their friends. The research also suggests that the risk factor goes up significantly if your teen is with friends versus being alone. I know this may make parents of teenagers very nervous and the blind may be leading the blind, BUT these experiences are necessary if you are ever going to get them off your couch and out into the world. They have an incredible ability to adapt to new situations. All you need to is provide opportunities to practice adaptation to new environments and experiences. Everyone has heard this joke. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice.

In my book, Ten Tips to Tame Your Teen, Strategies That Work! I point out the adolescent’s need to be different and to practice the skills they will need for adulthood.  I offer parents ways to permit this exploration while minimizing the risk factor. I offer guidance for parents who’s kids are moving into this murky new environment I call Teen World. The more you know about Teen World the more at ease you will feel about your teenagers passion about going to the mall.

I learned something the other day from the father of a 13  year-old girl. I would never have thought of this but he told me about a new “dance” that is popular with adolescent girls. It’s called The “Bernie“. Yeah, I had no idea until he said this, “Do you remember the movie, Weekend at Bernies?” Then it hit me. They are dancing like Bernie, a corpse. I thought I would die laughing. In case you haven’t seen this movie, Bernie is dead, but his friends still want to party. Imagine bouncing around like a rag doll. It’s too much when I imagine this group of teenage girls bouncing around like Bernie. This is what your kids are thinking about when they are with their friends. You would be surprised by how little they talk about the stuff that you are afraid of.

Dobbs goes on to say this. “Studies show that when parents engage and guide their teens with a light but steady hand, staying connected but allowing independence, their kids generally do much better in life.”

Doing the Bernie, is a wonderful example of the adaptive and creative brain your teenager has. When I was an adolescent I was doing the Twist, the Pony, the Boogaloo and the Swim. These dances were the creations of my generation. Life is cyclical so if you have teenagers sit back, relax and enjoy the show. Their marvelously adaptive brains need to grope around in the dark so they can find the light switch. Meanwhile be curious, be amazed, and most of all be loving.

Read the article at National Geographic.
Buy the book, Ten Tips to Tame Your Teen, Strategies That Work!

Ray

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Suicidal Teens-15 Signs of Depression and What Parents Can Do.

Posted on September 25, 2011 by Ray

Last week, the US News and Review ran a story claiming that 70% of suicidal teen do not receive any mental health treatment (Read article). If you did not know that suicide  is the 3rd leading cause of death among 13-24 year-olds, you are not alone. Many parents of depressed teens don’t know their teen is depressed. Depression is not something that teens will talk about so it is up to you to ask your kid how they are doing and to seek professional help if it is indicated. In the September, 2011 issue of Academic Pediatrics they give 15 signs that your teen could be depressed.

If your teen has ………………. ?

  1. become disinterested in favorite extracurricular activities.
  2. had problems at work or lost interest in a job.
  3. been abusing substances, including alcohol and drug (illegal and legal drugs) use.
  4. had behavioral problems.
  5. been withdrawing from family and friends.
  6. had changes in sleep patterns.
  7. changed their eating habits.
  8. been neglecting hygiene and other matters of personal appearance.
  9. been emotionally distressed and complaints about physical problems (aches, fatigues, migraines).
  10. had a hard time concentrating and paying attention recently.
  11. had declining grades in school.
  12. had been less interested in schoolwork.
  13. been taking on high risk behaviors.
  14. been complaining more frequently of boredom.
  15. not been responding to praise.

I know that it may be difficult to distinguish between what is normal adolescent surliness and the subtle signs that your teen may be depressed and possibly suicidal, so here are some more clues about the inner world of depressed teens. In an article on www.teensuicide.us they discuss some more common behaviors of depressed and suicidal teens.

Depressed teens often times will……………

  • actually say, “I’m thinking of committing suicide” or “I want to kill myself” or “I wish I could die.”
  • give you verbal hints that could indicate suicidal thoughts or plans. These include such phrases as: “I want you to know something, in case something happens to me” or “I won’t trouble you anymore.”
  • begin giving away favorite belongings, or promising them to friends and family members.
  • throw away important possessions.
  • show signs of extreme cheerfulness following periods of depression.
  • write suicide notes.
  • express bizarre or unsettling thoughts on occasion.

If you suspect your teen is depressed, then ask them. Don’t wait for your teen to act out on these feelings. You will not make it worse if you talk with your teen about depression and suicide.

It is important to stay calm, cool and collected because at these times your teen needs to borrow from your strength. Keep a cool head and don’t hesitate to contact a  mental health professional today if you recognize your teen in this article.

Don’t know where to go? If you have health insurance, contact your Behavioral Health carrier (look on the back of your insurance card). If you don’t have insurance, then contact your county department of mental  health or school district. In most communities there are low fee to free services for children and families. In the Sacramento area there is an organization called The White House where families can receive mental health services on a sliding fee scale. There is no reason you cannot get your kid the help they need.

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In rememberance of September 11, 2001

Posted on September 11, 2011 by Ray

Today we remember the tragic assault on the World Trade Center towers on that fateful day which changed the world. I am writing this because I have felt a heavy heart all day and I ask myself,

“What can I do to make the world a more peaceful place if not be more peaceful myself.

I think about the families who lost a loved on on 9/11 and I send a prayer out to them today. I think about the children who were not born yet and will they understand the gravity of such an event. But mostly, I mostly think about being more peaceful inside. I limit my exposure to the news and prime time drama or reality programs. I find this helps. I smile at people and say hello while in line at the grocery store. I let people merge in front of me on the freeway and I strive to be as loving in my actions towards others and myself as possible.

By taking these small, seemingly insignificant steps I believe I make the world a little bit more peaceful. Imagine what could happen if each of you consciously chose to be more peaceful and loving in your interaction with yourself and with others. Whew…!

I did not cheer the death of Osama Bin Ladin but I did watch with amazement the celebration of the death of this man. I did not know how I felt about that covert operation and the killing of the most wanted man in the world and I still don’t. All I know is that we are engaged in a dangerous passion play.

Meanwhile, I am grateful for the opportunity to do my small part and I ask that each and everyone of you do your part. Smile at people as you pass them by. Offer assistance to a person in need. Give the guy a buck once in awhile and give yourself a break. Watch less news. Play more. Meditate and exercise. Love yourself first. Be the peace the world seeks.

Until next time.

Ray

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Former Athlete Scams Teens With Fictitious Basketball Academy

Posted on September 11, 2011 by Ray

Dreams…..we all have them, but we may not know what to do to accomplish them. Today kids are so hungry to become somebody, that there are those who will take advantage of a kids desire to succeed and their parents willingness to do anything to help them. In a story published in the Time News Feed (Read the article here.) Daniel Hicks, a former New Mexico State basketball player, obviously upset by being snubbed in the NBA draft, decided to become an entrepreneur and opened up a basketball camp. He was able to convince families from all over the world to pay him tuition of $500 along with room and board fees of $300 per month. Nice work if you can get it. Things went south for Mr. Hicks when the students arrived to his 1 bedroom apartment in Charleston, SC. Talk about slumber parties. To make a long story short, the kids went home and Daniel Hicks disappeared.

Now why am I writing about this? It’s not because basketball players do stupid things. I am talking about this article because teens are vulnerable to scams like this and obviously so are their parents. What was wrong with this picture? First of all a basketball camp for $500, get out of here!! What is this the Walmart of basketball camps?

The real issue here is how do you protect your kids from scams like this one without locking them up in the house until they are 18? Research, research, research. I don’t know how this scheme was marketed, but I am guessing it was online, just like I am marketing my book, Ten Tips to Tame Your Teen. The difference here is I have something to offer and Daniel Hicks did not.

So parents, the next time your kid comes up to you and says, “Hey, I’ve found this great car on Craigslist. It’s a 2010 BMW with only 10 miles on it. The guy is only asking $50. Can I buy it, huh? Can I buy it? Now before you bust out that $50 you had better do some research.

There are people out there trying to scam you and I, not to mention your kids and they are very clever and willing do most anything to get you to bite. I know most of you will know a scam when you see it, but just in case one slips by your eagle eye, ask your kid to do more research on the subject. In the case of this basketball camp, ask yourself, “Who is this Daniel Hicks and why does he want to help my kid become a basketball star, then start digging. It’s your money and it’s your kid. Don’t believe everything you read, except what I write. See you next time.

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Website Facelift Coming Soon

Posted on September 8, 2011 by Ray

It’s about time, but I have finally let go of one of my control issues and found a young man to help me with my web presence. He appears to be a genius at first glance and I love the way this came about. It is yet another example of what I call “shiny objects.” You know those things that you notice in your periphery that disappear if you don’t pay attention to it right away. This is a wonderful way to get the help you need.

I was talking with a colleague when she told me of her son, who needed to move back home for financial reasons. As she was sharing the story, she mentioned that on the side he has done some website design work (Flash of light in the corner of my eye). I have been wanting someone with these skills to help me and I immediately gave her my business card. After a week or so of phone tag, we finally connected this morning and I am JAZZED.

I don’t how soon, but soon, there will be a whole new look with all new bells and whistles. It will be entertaining, resourceful and what I hope the most for is it will be helpful to not just parents, but to kids as well.  Come back later, I plan to have more and more good stuff for you. Thanks for doing your part to make the world a better place.

Ray

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Order Ten Tips to Tame Your Teen today!

Posted on August 29, 2011 by Ray

I have just ordered 100 copies of my new book, Ten Tips to Tame Your Teen and I am asking you to get the word out and let your friends and family know about this wonderful book. I know I’m the author, but I can’t help it, I really like this book. I have 100 copies now, but they will not last long. What do you have to lose? At $14.95 each it is a smal price to pay for some great information, Handy Insights and Fun Facts about Adolescents. Go to www.rayerickson.com for more information about the book and while you are there, get yourself a copy or two. Only 117 days until Christmas.

Thanks again,

Ray

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